And just like that, the first two modules of advanced teacher training are a wrap. Even though I'd like to think that I went into this round with no expectations, I can't say that was true. I think part of me of was anticipating a similar flow to my 200 hour. But looking back, how could that be accurate?
Expectation. That's where I continue to find doubt and disappointment. Where I question my abilities. Where I question my choices. Where I lose sight of who I am and where I belong in this world.
After a kind, but direct, one-on-one with my teacher, I began to realize that this year my abilities are different. My understanding of this practice is different. That I am different. That I am ready for this part of the journey and that, no matter the outcome, I am doing what I love and that outcome will be proof of that love. But I first had to let go of whatever version of myself that I thought I had to be.
Last year I was a starry-eyed new teacher trainee, ready to make my dreams of teaching into reality. Although the work was undoubtedly hard, I was part of an intimate group and Costa Rica was ready for us to enjoy between frequent days off and long lunches.
This year there were nine of us; all of us with varying amounts of teaching experience but all of us equally eager to learn. And boy did we learn: 100 hours of advanced sequencing and theming and 25 hours of business practices. All of this in 10 days. (Which would be why you haven't heard from me until right now.)
An intensive is just that: intense. In this yoga pressure cooker is where you are forced to see yourself. And some things are magnificent to witness: the growth, the determination, the passion. And other things.... let's just say, it takes a moment to absorb.
For me, it was self sabotage through expectation. Expectation that I had to be something I'm not yet. Expectation that I would let people down. Expectation after expectation.
As my teacher very pointedly said, "Ease off yourself, girl!" it hit me. I'm going to miss the whole purpose of this training if I don't give myself a break to absorb, to listen and to be present. To remember that I love what I do. To remember that in order to make room for all of the good, all of the support and all of the knowledge, I had to get rid of those expectations.
So as I start my next round of training tomorrow, I'm letting go of expectations. Allowing myself the room to be witness to this journey and to see what comes.
To learn more about my amazing training program, visit www.HighEnergyFusionYoga.com.